this girl’s eye view

okay, so myles is only five and he is already a quick slick talker.  he doesn’t want to go to swim in the morning so before the night was over for him we had an interesting conversation…

myles:  (grabbing his leg and making the ouch noise) oh, my leg hurts

me:  what’s the matter, did you hurt your leg?

myles: yeah, i think my leg hurts. i can’t go to swim class tomorrow.

me: it’s your last day for this session.  don’t you want your certificate and your lollipop?

myles: (pauses to think about the cherry lollipop he knows that he’ll get at the end of session)

myles: i’m goig to be sick all the way until my birthday party on sunday. then i will feel better for my party. yeah, i think i’ll be sick now. (keep in mind that he is saying this as he is playing with his trains)

seems like he’s starting his excuse making early in life.  though i don’t condone this little slick talker’s sad little plea to sleep in tomorrow…i think my leg hurts too. momma is tired! teehee

my little baby is now five years old and is soooo excited!!! gotta soak it up and take it in because if the next five years is anythng like the last five years…i don’t want to miss one precious moment.

hey, i’m five…peace out!

 a day out with family for myles birthday!

 reflecting on old baby photos

did i grow?    

myles and thomas the tank engine and friends   

     the end of a long day in the sun

okay, so right now i want to be somewhere else.  a tropical vacation would be very nice.  i don’t want to feel but right now i’m feeling lots of things and i wish that i could sit numb for a moment.  i miss one of the little loves of my life and i’m tired and i want to go to sleep but i can’t.  i can’t breathe.  i want to cry but i just keep holding it in. i want to scream but i’m afraid that nothing will come out of my mouth.  i want there to be peace, love and flower children…but i missed the 60s. teehee  i want all of my wishes to come true for me, my family and my friends or what the heck…everyone! i want gas for three dollars or less or free. teehee.  i want to be more like Christ, but sometimes i just miss the mark.  i want to listen more and talk less.  i want to love hard without regret. i want to respond with love and grace in confrontation.  i want to be less selfish and more giving. i want lots of money so that i can help more people. i want to be more compassionate, more gracious and less judgemental. i want to trust God and believe Him when he takes me on a journey.  i want to hug my babies (both of them). i want to be done with grieving. i want to be done with grieving. i want to be done with grieving.  (did that make it stop?) hmmm.  this “no air” song really captured some of my thoughts that i’ve been feeling except it’s not love between a guy and a girl, but love from a mommy to a daughter.  i actually listened to the lyrics and i really like this song…

okay, so like right now i have some stuff that i just have to settle with God.  i just really need your help Lord in knowing what to do and how to be for some good friends of mine.  i feel like i’m surrounded by broken hearts, betrayed hearts, sorrowful hearts, regretful hearts, sad hearts, tiny hearts and hearts that i know can be redeemed by God’s never failing love. 

everything that i do is intense (or so it seems). so, needless to say, i can feel their broken spirits and i just want to hug them, hug their hearts, love on them and really let them know that i care for them and pour out to God in an honest way, what is tearing them apart inside.

one is going through a divorce and we all know how !#$%^&*()_+ that is. yes, i just said !#$%^&*()_+!!! her family is hurting and i am so proud of her for speaking her true feelings, doing what’s best for her family and still holding on to God as much as she can.  she has presented herself in such a gracious way in the face of several heartbreaking blows (all one after the other).  my prayer is that she knows that God will be with her as she continues through this valley making her way to the mountain top with God.  God bless my sweet friend and her beautiful and brave little ones. this video is for her and it is one that penetrates the heart and points us back to Him. 

my other friend is in a really weird place in life as a lot of people i know these days.  nothing feels good about where she is but i just want her to know that God will take care of her heart and knows the plans for what the next step in life is.  she does not have to worry much though it can’t be helped sometimes.  i’ll miss her dearly and i know that we’ll remain friends…our kids have made a connection with each other and we’ll have to never let go of that.  isn’t it funny how we always say that we’ll never lose touch or contact with each other but sometimes we let those relationships slip a little at times.  i just want her to know that all that He has placed in her lap…she can handle it and i’ll be there in what way i can but as i’m sure she already knows very well is that God will never let go of her in ALL things. i’m proud of her and her family and i am proud of her for seeing that glimmer of hope that He has given her!!! love and blessings!!! this one is for her and them. 

then, i have friends (some youthful ones and some grown up ones) that have to experience making tough choices, tough decisions and who find themselves in hard spots that they don’t want to be.  always God is with us and we need him to guide us with WHAT TO DO NEXT, WHAT TO DO NOW AND WHERE HE WANTS US TO BE.  my prayer is for God to lead me and those around me and my family to do what it is he wants for us to do.  let us be courageous, contagious in our response and our love to each other.  renew us and strengthen us and refresh us daily.  let us stand in the face of whatever comes our way and know that the You who dwell within us can survive, strive and conquer.  we will love, live and be how you want us to be.  not our will but yours Lord. we trust you and yes we believe you. we will stand upon your word. in the name of Jesus. Amen!!!  (sorry i did no edits to this post tonight because, well, i was lazy…teehee)

much love to ya

okay, so the dude is what i sometimes call my four year old.  and he often cracks me up. i asked him to talk on the phone to a long distance relative and he rattled off a laundry list of things that would keep him from doing so. he said to me, “well, i’ve got to first do my chores, play with my trains, eat my breakfast and i got other stuff to do, so i’m busy”.  talk about honesty. so i asked him if we should call this relative later on and he told me (very adamantly)…”i told you that i’m gonna be busy, i don’t want to do that”

can someone tell me when did a four year old get chores and a schedule that can’t accomodate a two minute phone call. anyhoo, the next time someone asks me if i would do something that i’m not interested in doing…i’ll take a cue from the dude and let them know that i’m busy because i don’t want to do that.  teehee

what to do for the day. grill out? watch the fireworks? hang out in the backyard with my family? eat lots of fresh yummy summer fruit? better yet…eat junk food until my heart’s content? watch rocky IV (you know…the one that he beats drago the seemingly unstoppable russian boxer which, is my favorite movie ever) or perhaps attend the taste of something  or the fest of some town here in chicagoland?

anyhoo, whatever i do must say that as i think about the freedom and civil liberties and such of this country, i’m proud that i and my family are a part of this country.  i am of a generation that has gotten to experience things that our ancestors fought for, worked hard for and struggled through.  big shout out and thank you to those who paved the way for us.  (insert patriotic song here )

my son recognizes the symbols and signs and what colors and such represent america and he gets excited.  he completely knows what it is like to live the american dream though he does not know all that it entails.  he does not know that as we live in this country, we are privileged beyond what you would see in other parts of the world.  i’m going to be sure to raise him to be appreciative and giving because he is so blessed. the good thing about the american dream is that it does not mean the same for all of us…free to be independent of looking, being, feeling, living, acting, living, loving, doing, worshipping the same as everyone else.  i love it.  we’re free to worship as we please which means we do not have to hide our love for Christ. we can share our love for Christ out in the open with others.  Free not to hide who we are in Him! yay!

so as i sit here, trying to figure out the day, i’m going to sign off and dig into some fluffy blueberry pancakes that my husband has prepared.  he cooked because today i am free from domestic duties such as cooking…teehee. okay, so that’s pushing the freedom thing a bit but it sounded good right?!

have a great extended holiday weekend…happy independence day!

okay, so i remember when this guy was really small with chubby cheeks and so so cuddly.  of course he is still cuddly, but all the signs of him being a baby have hit the skids and the fact that really soon i will not be buying any clothes with a tag that says 2T, 3T, 4T is making me sad.  i have to be excited because he is really, i mean REALLY excited that he is going to FIVE in less than a month. 

this pic is way back when…

and these are nowadays…    

 these two are no longer babies…he is a well spoken little boy entering kindergarten in the fall and she has grown into a great young woman.  good thing i haven’t aged a bit…teehee.

okay, so now i can catch up on some much desired reading.  i really enjoy reading and i am intoxicated just by being in a bookstore (doesn’t take much to make me happy…teehee).  anyhoo, i have a few stacks of books that i’m anxious to dig into.  don’t know what book to read first, so i’ll do what i like to do best…read 2 or 3 at a time.  i’m a little impatient to wait until i’m done with one book to dive into another.  it’s kind of like channel surfing between two movies on tv.  can’t wait to dig in! btw…always looking for a really good read suggestion.

even more fun…my little buddy and i can have more of our “coffee” dates which gives us a reason to go get a drink treat and read some of his favorites.

okay, so now is it here with my thoughts and stuff and i’m thinking…should i sleep all day or should i get out and enjoy the perfect summer day or should i hit the to do list?  ix-nay on the do do list, sitting in the swing chair in the backyard would be much more appropriate to take advantage of this fantastic summer day but i can’t peel my butt off of the sofa to get out there. 

today is the day after my final day as the worship arts director at ncc and i’m not sure what to think.  how about nothing.  i don’t want to think or do.  i have a day after headache.  it was a great day and there were lots of details to the service but people were blessed by the experience and so was i.  how appropriate the theme of the day…”letting go”.  (things that make you go hmmmm).  i must say that i appreciate God allowing me to to serve in that role.  it was fun, frustrating, exciting, crazy, creative, hard but an expereince i would not trade for anything.  i so appreciate the support, friendship, ministry, love and team building that i got a chance to do at ncc and with the team that i worked with.  it seems that when things end, God opens the door for greater things to happen…if we allow. so here we go, next level for ncc and me.  my prayer is that we all take full notice of what’s happening around us and onward and upward folks! i think i’m a bit sad that it’s over and then again excited about God’s plans for all of our future. 

so, today i choose to have a lazy monday and perhaps i’ll do next to nothing and think about nothing.  i’m even typing this with my head flipped back on the sofa and my eyes closed.   in fact i’m nearly half asleep.  i think i’m just emotionally tired because there is so much going through my head…the ending of one thing that was big in my life to the beginning of other things.  it’s a very strange time in my house but i’m looking forward to what God has planned for me and my family.  i say that as i know that right now, i take a bit of a break to do what i need to do.  you know, stuff like sofa sessions, for those of you who have had a few sofa sessions you know what i talking about, you either sit upright and spill your guts or you can lie down and spill your guts.  either way, the point of it all is to work out some stuff that need to be dealt with.  okay, totally off the topic, but one time i was in my sofa session and i was sitting there thinking..”wow this is a really nice chocolate brown buttery soft leather sofa, are all sofa session offices this comfy”?  teehee

anyhoo, i plan to take full advantage of this time of rest and relaxation and working through a few things with my with my immediate family and myself.  momma is tired.  (btw, how am i doing for typing with my eyes closed? i’m even correcting with my eyes closed) anyhoo, as keep plugging forward, i will also concentrate on working through something that i experienced in the form of a little tiny miracle.  she was splitting image of me  with lots of hair and  she brought with her emotions that i’ll never understand, love that i cannot explain, an imprint on the hearts of anyone who knew of her and questions that are insatiable…if that’s possible.  she left me wanting her in my presence from moment to moment to moment to moment and those moments have yet to end.  what i eventually realized but still have trouble grappling with is that the essence of who God allowed her to be in our lives is always here even though she is not physically in my presence.  i miss her sorely, dearly, terribly but i owe it to myself and her to walk through the process of her not being here.  i am forever a different person.  though the essence of me is and will always be there, i have somewhat accepted that who i am is affected.  this is going to be an interesting time in life but ready or not…here i go! stay tuned as i walk this journey. 

long time no writing here.  i’m back and lots of changes happening.  today is my burfday!!! and today is my last day to be in a staff meeting with these folks  .  i’m changing lots of things, 1) i can actually say my age out loud…(i’m assuming that i don’t look quite my age).  i see no signs of crows feet, wrinkles or creases. yay!!! 2) i’m stepping down from my position as worship arts director at church and it’s been a wild ride.  3) my little boobear is turning 5 soon! i did not realize 5 was such a big birthday until we got to the 30 day countdown.  i feel like i’m scrambling to hang on to my little baby boy as he turns into a full out testosterone filled 24/7 ball of energy big boy. 

nevertheless, this time in life will be no more than another wild ride.  i’m looking forward to whatever this interesting life has to offer…again. 

it’s been an interesting day thus far.  i’m a pretty intuitive person and all the things that i’m feeling, noticing, witnessing and that God is showing me….i’m growing more to accept people for who they are and dismiss things that i can’t control about life, other people or me.  i would say that i can sum up these past two years as growth that sometimes even surprises me. yay!!!

anyhoo, my tummy is a little achy from burfday cake…but it was really good cake.  i’m gonna call it a night with an ice cold tall one of  my favorites…sobe green tea (cuz i live a hard life…teehee) and chill.

 as i look at the time on my post it says 1:07 am.  yeah, i don’t think so.  i’ve gotta fix that. does anyone know how? 

as we sometimes get wrapped up in our own little worlds, we open our eyes and realize stranger things than we can ever imagine are happening around us.  so, kiss your kids, hug your husband, forgive your neighbor, and know that there are just some things that we will never understand.  i’m in a reflective mood after thinking hard about big decisions for my life and then later opening up this and reading what would be unfathomable for any family.

pray for them. they will need your prayers for a while. his minsitry reaches worldwide and inspires people daily… they will need your prayers because he’s a daddy and she’s a mommy.

peace 2 you

toni

one of my new favorite song. check it out. click here to see what i’m talking about.  enjoy!

i’m sure that moms all over the world are being celebrated in one way or another. from the sweet and simple to the ultra elaborate.  it can be a really fun day for those with little ones like my little boobear (one day he’ll get me for that name).  he wrote a song for me that included the words mommy, momma, i, love and hmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm.  a new ipod favorite! (teehee)

if you’re reading this and you’re a mommy - HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO YOU!!! i will spend the rest of the evening hanging out with my little buddy and thinking about my little angel in heaven.

who could resist this face to chase away the blues

the end of a work day and the beginning of a play date with this guy!

this is the start of my first full day of talking again.  not because i was so disciplined that i vowed silence to achieve some great enlightenment (perhaps i should try that though). however, i spent the whole week not talking mostly because it hurt like someone burned the first ten layers of the flesh from my throat  (okay, that sounded nasty…cuz it was ooooooooowwwwwww!!!!!!!) nothing was important enough for me to say that would be worth prolonging my healing of my raw and aching throat.

i haven’t blogged in a while so i guess now is a good time to express myself without talking by blogging hmmmmmm, a little backwards huh. (teehee)

anyhoo, i suddenly feel like continuing that vow of silence.  i don’t want to speak because i’m not sure what words will exit my brain and straight out of my mouth (without thinking first)

i dont’ want to talk because i miss this girl and my brain is so foggy that i have no words to speak.  as i sit on the sofa watching my four year old as he watches his saturday morning cartoon (remember doing that), i’m trying to figure out what he and i can do for mother’s day weekend.  thinking, thinking and more thinking….so i come up with our pre-scheduled trip for waffles at creme de la crumb and then a trip to the city on the train for some good conversation and a drink from here or here. 

planning my mother’s day took my mind off of my sadness for a second and not wanting to talk. but then i began to cry.  so as you can see this day is looking lovely already…up down, up down, up down withthe emotions.  anyhoo, without even knowing what was going on, my favorite boy in the whole world decided to give me my mother’s day present early. this really cheered me up (thank you God, your timing is fantastic!)

special mommy’s day gift (a flower picture holder with a special picture made by a. myles-preschool student)

grateful!!!

so my tears stopped and this face put a little sunshine back into my world…

okay, so really i’m not trying to be vulgar or anything but OMG…i think i messed up big time and here’s how…

as i was in the kitchen fixing a peanut butter sandwich for my four year old (who so wants to be a big boy already), he comes into the kitchen and started singing “bowchicawahwah”.  so i had to think really fast and carefully about radio, public places, my language, dad’s language, friends and tv…because nowadays primetime has creeped into daytime (even the commercials), which is another topic to discuss about eliminating televison in our house.  anyhoo, moving along, i had to think quickly ancd carefully about where on earth did he hear that little ditty.  then i realized that he had been watching his new video which i thought was non-sensual, non-vulgar and completely innocent.  who would have thought that one of the things he actually remembered from an alvin and the chipmunks movie would be bowchicawahwah.  it’s a total cartoon family kinda movie that i thought was not that bad at all.  ooooppppssss!!!! am i that completely desensitized to words, their affect and how much kids catch on.  amongst all the dvds that he has i guess i need to go back and  do an eyes and ears wide open review of all the movies (which i thought i did). there was a scene that we fast forwarded in this movie, but i guess i have to go back to my over the top restrictions.  so much for letting down my guard.  all animation is not okay.  repeat with me “all animaiton is not okay”. this is a day that i am totally standing in judgement of myself for “how good of a mommy am i?”  ever have that kind of day that you think about whether or not you’re a good parent?

i am very curious about what people allow their children to watch? was alvin and the chipmunks a good mommy or bad mommy move????? i say it was a careless mommy move.  ugh! (must admit…it was funny though)

lemme know what you think!

c ya.

toni

okay, so i was watching nightline and one of the execs (i think) from starbucks was being interviewed.  i happened to come in at the end of the interview and heard him saying “we’re not in the coffee business serving people, we are in the people business serving coffee”.  i actually like that as a motto to go by for whatever your business is.  some people might hear that quote and think, of course they will say whatever you want to hear to get your 3, 4 or 5 dollars per yummy scrumptous specialty drink .  we all must admit that we keep on going back to starbucks or what some call st. arbucks (teehee).  i must say that when i am out shopping or out to eat or what have you, if you’re my service person and you’re nice, helpful, willing, patient, etc, just overall great in customer service, my wallet just falls open for you.  so i guess there is something to to be said for being in the people business serving or selling whatever you serve or sell.  people appreciate you connecting with them because it makes them feel that you care and usually they don’t mind paying for great service (or products). okay, so here’s an interesting question for you that are in ministry…how much better do you think people would respond to you if we took the approach of relating to them as a person vs trying to convince them of God.  i think that when you try to relate to people and their very real human needs, the God in you and the God that you serve becomes very apparent…no convincing needed.  i am not saying that it is simply put, but as you are trying to share your faith with others it is important that you see the person as Christ would see them and be just as gracious. just my thoughts. keep in mind that we all have our days and sometimes extra grace is requried:).

c ya. peace 2 ya. power to the people and all that stuff.                            toni

okay, so my 4 year old wants to be a grown man and i desparately want to hang onto his babyhood which has left the train station smoking quite some time ago.  daily he tells me how he can’t wait to be 5 years old (mostly for the party), which is a constant reminder of how i need to make sure that i am fully engaged while he still doesn’t mind kissing his mommy in front of his friends.  anyhoo, my boy is living between a world of being a “rock star” (self proclaimed) and thomas the tank engine trains.  btw, he is now sight reading music in his guitar lessons! woohoo!!! the time is whizzzzzzzzinnnnngggggg by so i better pay attention.  i’ve gotta go now cuz apparently i’m one of the characters in his play about jonah.  you know how sometimes “strangely” wise things come out of the mouths of babes, well, i wonder who he will cast me as…one of the people from ninevah??? (teehee). anyhoo, gotta go play now. c ya.

toni

okay, so i was watching the news (is the today show the news?) anyhoo, i was watching a news show and they were doing a special piece on the anniversary of martin luther king jr’s assassination and as they segued out to commercial they were playing the instrumental version of the hymn “be thou my vision”…whatttttt!!!! you mean they didn’t play some sentimental pop song? i’m not disappointed in fact I LOVED IT!!! anyhoo, i can’t help but to wonder if whoever put that piece together must have been thinking about where we have been as a country, where we are and where we are headed and the first thing that came to mind was a desire for the the Lord’s direction in our “what next” as a country.  i immediately thought of praying for our leaders and country after seeing that piece and hearing that song, i hope they (the producers) did too.  c ya

okay, so i was up late in the night and one of my favorite movies came on tv…”divine secrets of the ya ya sisterhood”.  vivian (one of the main characters) was for sure a crazy mother. if you’ve never watched this movie it really is about a crazy mother.  if you think your mother had a couple of off days , yelling spells, perfection gone mad days, over the top hormonal meltdowns, i am woman hear me roar moments, i am the queen bee and you will listen to me moments or if she was simply just checked out on life at times (or most times)…whether you know it or not, there is always something that is behind it all.  most moms i know are something to be admired for the strength that they displayed in the face of raising their children.  yet in the dysfunction of all that may have happened in growing up in the fore-mentioned emotional or unemotional environment, most of us don’t know what is sometimes behind those behaviors (there is sometimes a dark side).  if those patterns of behaviors never change in them, as we become adults it has the potential to rip or destroy the very fabric of the mother / child relationship we have with our mothers.  so, what is one to do about such a relationship?????? some parents (when they were growing up or even as they were raising children) were pushed to the point that the bottom dropped out for them but they carried on in life as if nothing ever happened.  lots of them (mothers) have lived that way and still do. we have to chose to make peace with who they are as our parents, honor them and create a relationship that is healthy for you and them as adults.  it may not mean the kind of relationship you fantasize about but it will mean that you can begin to work on your heart and how you approach things with your mother/parents, you will be able to stick to healthy boundaries even if the boundaries are not mother approved.  remember she’s not perfect and neither are we. so i say allow God to work on our heart even if we don’t think God is working on hers.  we will begin to see things so differently and in the midst of it all, we can find peace and know boundaries even if the relationship is not what we hope for.

at some point in the movie vivian finally admitted that she “dropped her basket” in essence…she went crazy.  i know a mother or more that dropped her basket at some point in life but will never admit to it.  does yours ever admit to a bit of the crazies at times? would you admit to it if you “dropped your basket”????? anyhoo, i could just ramble on and on about this but i’ve gotta finish watching the movie…c ya

okay, so reflecting on easter and i have had a light bulb moment. i’m not sure when this happened but in my thoughts i have been relating everything in ministry to the way Christ lived and the ever important significance of how and why he died.  it’s not that i did not know it before now, it’s just that something happened as i was planning for the easter week/weekend worship happenings, music, etc.  everything went soooo beyond planning and became like an experience.  i can honestly say that when planning services or thinking about the details i did not always have an emotional connection.  over the past few weeks, i literally had an emotional and contemplative connection to each thing that happened.  i have this thing about being awake for life, fully in the moment, connected to what you do and when you find yourself in that place it almost seems as if your whole life is an experience-good, bad or indifferent. i feel like my responses are more thought out or maybe i’m just getting better at responding more thoughtfully.  at any rate, have you wanted so badly for God to change your heart, your thoughts, your ways and such but wasn’t quite sure when it would happen?  i think it happens when we totally surrender our life…like for real.  if you ever doubt the love of Christ for you, me and others like you or unlike you…no more doubting because He really went far to show us how worth it we all are.  so as i reflect on easter, i can’t seem to get one of my favorite songs ”ever live without me” out of my head (check out the video).  i would sing it for you but this video and original artists does a better job (teehee). although this is a dramatic retelling of the story,  the words and the pictures still capture it.

 so, we all know that easter is not about the bunny or the candy or the shiny grass or the glazed ham,mashed potatoes or warm buttered rolls (mmmmmmm-warm buttered rolls). but that certainly does not stop us from indulging in the fun of it all.  i think that i have eaten sooo much food and an abundance of candy that i woke up dizzy (literally) , can you say sugar buzz?.  of course because i’m a sugarholic, i had less of the food and more of the peeps, jelly beans, malted eggs, more peeps and even more peeps.  there is nothing like a marshmallow covered in granulated colored sugar. anyhoo, i’m just rambling as i sit here raiding my 4 year old son’s candy stash from easter and eat more malted eggs, jelly beans and now i’m eyeing the peeps again…mmmmmmmmm!

okay, so like i have a four year old that’s all boy and full of testosterone. which means he’s always playing rough and banging and falling and jumping and running and stuff like that.  so as he tried to demonstrate or “impress” a little girl he was playing with he bounced down on his little knee really hard, so hard that he actually hurt it to the point of limping for a couple of days.  anyhoo, today after taking a long nap, his daddy asked him if he was feeling better and here was his response (no kidding) “yes, my knee feels better, God sent an angel down from heaven to make my knee feel better and now it does. i prayed and  now it’s all healed up, you know i always do that (pray).” then he continued to eat his macaroni as if he hadn’t just impressed or surprised mommy and daddy (more importantly, he wasn’t even trying to).   i say that this is a kid who really believes all that he is taught in children’s church and he really takes it all to heart.  i certainly hope that it never leaves him. how many of us live so totally uninhibited that we just aren’t ashamed to say what we believe as it relates to the power of Christ? 

 new law maker???

i’m not sure if any of you have heard or not but my little four year old has just announced to me that there is a law and apparently i must have missed the memo that stated this. here is the deal…my little bear was running down the stairs and fell from the landing and his fall was broken by my guitar that was fortunately (or unfortunately?) at the end of the staircase. as he was screaming bloody murder, i scooped him up, held him tight and applied a cold pack to his poor little throbbing head.  as he sat there and sobbed and sobbed and the tears started to subside a little, he decided that his fall was my fault.  all of a sudden i hear, “mommy, why weren’t you watching me. you are supposed to watch me walk down the stairs. it’s the law! the law is that parents are supposed to watch their children walk down the stairs, and you didn’t do that. next time momma, will you watch me walk down the stairs? okay.” then he said, “when daddy sees me, he is going to be sad.” he’s only four and he’s already trying to state the law and then appeal to the people’s emotions.  maybe he’s all caught up in this political season but he’s picked up some stuff.

first, thank God he only scrapped his head on the guitar case and only got a little bump.  second, when is it my fault that he decided to do stunts down the staircase. can somebody remind me of that laws of parenting?

call me a dreamer or eternally optimistic (most times) but i love to think crazy big dreams and think optimistically rather than to stay in a mediocre state of mind or state of being. have you ever had someone try to put a lid on your over the top dreaming?  i thought of this question as i was in costco. if you’re ever in costco, as you walk in they have these large screen and flat screen televisions usually with some exciting sporting event or movie playing so that you can get the sound and the feel and pretty much so that you can “get the big picture” (no pun intended) of this surround sound theatre like effect in your own home.  anyhoo, as i was standing there checking out a movie on one of the screens, one of the store clerks comes over and turns down the volume to something less than what human ears can hear.  this totally changed the experience for me.  if i was in the market to make a purchase for one of these hot electronic items his action would have caused me to suddenly change my mind and rethink the notion of whether i need it or not.  the point of selling something like that is not to get them to rethink buying, it would be to get people more excited about wanting the item even if it’s not on their agenda, right? i’m sure what he did was not what “mr. costco” had in mind when he had things set up to engulf you with the sound and crisp clear picture to peak your interest.  as this store clerk turned down the volume he whispered something under his breath like “that’s too much, too loud”).  hummph, too much too loud??!!?? what kinda store clerk does that?  it just made me think of something i’ve encountered at different times in life…to never give in to someone telling you that the dream, the vision, the passion that God put in you to do BIG things or creative things or exciting things is too much, too, loud, too big.  if ever someone attempts to put a lid on or mellow you out…don’t give into it!!!  DREAM BIG, LIVE BIG, PRAY FOR GOD TO TRANSFORM YOU FROM THE INSIDE OUT SO THAT YOU CAN DO THE BIG, CREATIVE AND EXCITING THINGS THAT HE HAS CALLED YOU TO!!! you may think that what you do for others is simple, but as you make a mark in someone else’s life you may never see or know the lasting and sometimes big effect it may have in their life.  so, go BIG or go home.  never let naysayers and irritated people cause you to doubt some of the unique things that burn within you.  all the bumps and the bruises of life…you will inevitably survive and thrive from. you can show others that there is hope and no matter what may come,  you still can do BIG things, EXCITING things, CREATIVE things (you get the picture)

okay, so i am always afraid to shake a man’s hand because i see them digging and picking.  (not to mention that i am somewhat of a germaphobe).  i sure you have been driving on the road and have seen someone going to town digging for gold (if you know what i mean).  well, the other day i was talking to a friend i hadn’t seen in a while and as we are in conversation he picked a little, not a little itch rub your nose kinda thing but he picked a little and then the kinda picked a little higher into his nostril as he continued to talk.  i was praying that he reached out for a hug instead of a parting hand shake cuz i’m not sure if i could have contained my self from doing the heebie jeebie dance.  so yes, we hugged instead of a handshake (whew!)

okay, so i was hanging out and a group of us were all talking and one of the guys was in the al bundy pose (actor from married with children),  hands down his pants just chillin’ in fact, i’m sure his hands were further down his pants.  as i looked at him to see if he would stop he looks up (obviously a bit embarrassed) and said “i had to adjust”.  seriously, do women dig and pick and scratch and adjust that much.  i’m very thankful for hand sanitizer!!! just venting a little bit

 okay, so the other day stress got the best of me and it all came crashing down at once.  i’m not supposed to show stress because “i am woman, hear me roar”.  but it figures that as much strength that i believe that i have in being able to handle life’s stuff is the same amount of emotional pinned up energy that i have.  it serves me right that it will take 5 months of seemingly non-stop one stressful event after another.  pile on the fact that andre’ had to leave town for a whole month for like top secret training for a new job in remote countryside (missery  missouri:).  bring on the looooonnnnngggg awaited tears.  not to mention that i had t-minus 10 minutes to get on stage and lead /dir. worship service…how??? ummmm.  the story:  life’s unfortunate mishaps, add to that a weekend of murphy’s law all the way through sunday morning.  as i headed to the sanctuary to tie up loose ends prior to service i turn around and see a fountain that flooded the floor in the middle of the hall and a morning that wouldn’t quit (all before 9:30 am), MaKe iT sToP!!! anyhoo, don’t you just hate it when you’re trying to hold it together and someone says, “is everything okay” and before you know it you’re bawling so hard that you feel as if your head is going to pop off and in that moment you wish that it would and the rapture would come and take us all because…you don’t want to go on stage looking like something the cat dragged in.  obviously i have no shame because i went on stage anyway, prayed for strength and hoped that what was said was a blessing to someone in someway.  thank God that his grace is sufficient and so is his mercy.  what a morning!!!  have you ever had one of those days that everything seemed to go to pot and one little puddle of water could send you MeLtInG down?  i really can handle life but this roaring woman had enough.  sooo, here’s the lesson, take time to download all your stresses on a daily. whether you journal, pray and journal, read, take a hot soothing bath, meditate, or go for a long run…download daily and you won’t end up near the point of “certifiable” (okay not really but you know what i mean).  so how did it end? i survived the day, sucked down a cup of coffee, cleaned my face and slapped on some lip gloss (the answer to everything - teehee) and let God’s grace carry me through the rest of the day and of course later on my baby boy and i took a  loonnnngggg nap!!! (the other answer to everything - teehee)

okay, so it’s sign-up time for the chicago marathon www.chicagomarathon.com  and dare i do it again? it’s the middle of winter and last night i spent 1 and 1/2 hours shoveling snow and ice chunks and cabin fever is setting in…i am itching to hit the pavement to suck up some fresh air while singing eye of the tiger (teehee). 

THE MARATHON! is there a better way to sight see the diversity of chicago than to run 26.2 miles with 35,000 of your running mates? probably NOT!  i need fresh air and my body in non stop motion. besides since october7th (the adventures of last-years-marathon.doc) there seemed to have been a plethora of life’s hiccups and on top of that something attached itself to the back of me and the back of my thighs and then something jiggly happened to my arms.  apparently i took full advantage of the pure sugary delights from  thanksgiving, christmas, and every other day.  mmmmmmmm sugary sweets!!!! …all the time, so then…”baby got back”(teehee). 

whether i do the marathon this year or not, andre’ (this really cool guy i hang out with and had children with said that he plans to take on the challenge.  we shall see.  in the mean time, i need to pull out my running shoes and channel a bit of sly stallone from the movie ”rocky” (he’s ripped one in the video)

so i’m watching the democratic debate and i think it’s fun!!! woohoo (obviously, it does not take much to make me happy).  anyhoo, they are fired up tonight, there is very little time and there is about to be some scrappin’ going on for the position of top dog in this great u.s.a.  history in the making my friends.  whether you agree with either of these two  and what they stand for or not, just the fact that there is diversity (an african american and a woman) and two people that have somehow energized the a generation of folks ready to make significant changes for our country and our world.  whose side am i on?  weeeeellllllll that’s my little secret grasshopper.  borders, healthcare, war, jobs, veterans, education, this country’s DeFiCiT…reminds me of this song by billy joel (check it out below - click and listen)  yes, it’s an old song but take a listen http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKu2QaytmrM 

i wonder what the candidates do after the debates? i have a few guesses and it probably ain’t pretty

okay, like what the hay!!! life is something tough at times and stookies is the only word that came out of my mouth.  i was thinking several different words and some word unknown to the english language and can’t be found in the dictionary.  anyhoo, a couple of different things going through my head lately 1) always pass up an opportunity to make someone feel bad, never miss an opportunity to make someone smile or feel good. 2) feel the fear but do it anyway!

c ya

my best little bud in the whole world (myles) is trying his best to be brave.  his daddy went on a month long trip for work and it will be the hardest time for my baby boy because he loooovvvvveeeessss to be with and play with his dad.  so far he’s (myles) focusing on the promised phone calls and phone to phone pictures he is and will be getting often.  hOwEvEr, the true reality of it all is starting to kick in and looking at his sad little eyes i just wanna hug and cuddle him until his daddy comes back. but i’m sure he’ll be fine.  we have lots planned in the meantime, including a couple of extra coffee dates.  so, while daddy is gone, let’s get him juiced up on caffeine (teehee) just kidding.  his dad sp0ke with him before he left on his trip and told him that he’s a brave little knight and like any little boy hanging on his dad’s every word and he is holding onto it.  i guess it goes to show you, speak positive things that will build your child up and they will believe it.  tell them you love them often, tell them words that let them know that even when they are feeling low they will try their best to hang onto the good things you’ve spoken into their little lives.  he’s my brave little knight.