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more than i can say out loud… August 4, 2008

Posted by jonesgurl in 1.
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okay, so i was in a discussion and we were talking about being creative and artsy and such.  i was asked a question about whether my son shows any signs of being musical or artsy or what have you. i answered yes and proceeded to tell of how he’ll try to tell us things (his emotions or feelings) through poems or songs that he makes up.  not a big deal right? well, i would have shared some examples but the only one that keeps haunting me was the one poem he told me about a couple of days ago.  i couldn’t share because i was scared and sad about it.  i knew (or felt) that there was no way that they would even begin to understand my family’s experience, so there was no way that they would truly understand. they wouldn’t understand how a five year old can miss their sibling who they only got a chance to meet for a short period of time. they wouldn’t understand how a five year old could know that there is suppose to be another person in our family.  they wouldn’t understand how he thinks about her so much.  they wouldn’t understand how we could let him talk about her so much and let him express so freely his feelings about his sister.  i just don’t think that they would understand.

i wanted to tell the friend asking the question about a poem that he recited to me.  he told me about the poem in order to get me to know his feelings.  His Poem:  if i don’t go to visit her at her gravesite,  then i won’t miss her so much.  can you say heartbreaking.  so, i honored his feelings and we didn’t go (to the gravesite).  i don’t want people to think that i’m tainting my son by making my daughter special to our family. i don’t want people to think that he misses her so much because of me.  i can’t get them to understand that it is what it is and we choose to allow him to freely talk about her.  i actually had someone say to me that they think that he (my son) talks about her too much.  too much for what? too much for their comfort? too much for their understanding?  too much for what?

so now you see why i couldn’t share the poem, which would be part of his artsy side. a bit melancholy but he was sharing his heart through art.

perhaps i’m a bit jaded because of how people have commented or throw out their opinions about our situation. there is no formula to how working through this happens. but most times i don’t want to share because i don’t think people get it.  then again, most times i want to share because she means that much to me and our family.

i love to share stories about my son and daughter. but sometimes it is simply more than i can say out loud.

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