this girl’s eye view

angels… January 31, 2009

it’s been about three years. everyday i still think of my little angel.  how she would be, how she would talk, how she would walk and what fun she would have with her brother.  sometimes if i let my imagination “go there”, i can almost feel her presence.  sometimes if i close my eyes and snuggle in my blanket with my eyes clothes, i actually think that i could live in that space. imagining and dreaming of the wonderful world it would be to see her prancing around in her tutu, ballet slippers and little league jersey.  interesting combination huh.  one day i actually envisioned her as a little ballerina tomboy.

today was just “one of those days” for me.  you know, one of those days when you just feel all melancholy and a bit sad and you want to be alone.  i was missing my baby girl.  you see, she’s in heaven.  and this was the kind of day that her being in heaven was just not good enough. 

the other day, i was speaking with a friend on the phone and we were talking about myles’ (my five year old) report card from kindergarten.  his grades were mostly 4s which would translate to an a, a few 3s which would translate to a grade of b and then there was one c on his entire report card.  the question that my friend and everyone else wanted to know was, why the one c and what subject was it in.  i told her that it was in coloring and she laughed as everyone else did.  the laughter was because she knew that there was a story behind this.  according to the teacher, he is not as neat as he could be when working on coloring in his classwork.  his response to me was “well, i’m a professional”.  this, for myles, translates into him saying that he will do whatever he wants because he doesn’t want to listen to directions in his creativity.  so for the teacher, this translates into a note at the bottom of the report card that read, “myles is a pleasure to have in class.  he is a great student.  i would like for him to work on neatness with his coloring”.  myles was very much so unaffected by the neatness comment.  he also reminded me of his professional status in art…that would be my myles.

anyhoo, as my friend and i were continuing the conversation, she said, “i wonder how amber would be?” i bet she would give you guys a run for your money, i bet she would be in charge around there.”  before i could even speak, i felt like the breath of life left me for a moment.  someone was actually not afraid to speak my baby girl’s name and talk about life and her and what it could possibly have been.  this was such a blessed conversation and totally out of the box for my friend, who most always chooses what she says carefully or chooses not to show much emotion as to not hurt one’s feelings.  i didn’t know what to say, so i laughed nervously for a moment.   was quite excited that someone else wanted to share thoughts of her.  it was quite interesting because i have often thought that she would be cute, sassy and in charge.  after i got past the initial shock and excitement the conversation continued.

my angel baby is never far from my thoughts.  i don’t have the words to say what it meant to know others (my dear friend, in particular)thinks of her and how she would fit into our family dynamic. 

today at church, myles made a project that was a – trust box.  he was so excited and couldn’t wait to get home and put some things inside of it.  as we drove home, we were talking to him about his little project and he said a couple of interesting things.  he said that he was going to put a note inside to the lord, asking him to help him grow big and strong and able to do things for himself.  the other thing he said he was going to ask for was to bring his sister down from heaven so that he can play with her.  he said that he didn’t want her up there.  after his dad talked to him about that for a minute, he then said that he wanted to go into heaven to see her and bring her back down here with him.

if only my little buddy knew that that same day, i was wishing i could bring her down here to play with her too.  sigh.

i figured out that i can still have peace but at the same time allow myself to have whatever the feelings i have at the moment.  it’s pretty much because i have hope.  i have hope for my future and what it can be.  i have faith and trust in the provisions of god.  i know that there will days like this.  but i also know that it’s okay that i have days like this because…it just is.  and it’s okay.